


Holiday

by Marie_Ciel



Category: L'Arc~en~Ciel
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-11
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-30 23:42:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/337505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marie_Ciel/pseuds/Marie_Ciel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is an unusually cold, snowy day in Tokyo. As Christmas draws near, many people take holiday vacations off from work, but not everyone does. As he trudges through the frigid weather to work, Tetsuya begins to think about what he's doing, his dedication to his work- and a decision that he has come to regret, above all else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holiday

The chill wind swept full through the city of Tokyo, penetrating easily through any foolishly opened windows, unbottoned coats and uncovered fingers. It sank unforgivingly into any spare inch of exposed skin, sinking its icy teeth deep into bone.

How soulless and hostile it was, and yet, people associated it closely with the unbridled joy and open-hearted time of holidays. Perhaps there was some truth to it- while the very air roused jackets to be zipped closed and collars to be pulled up to protect necks and chins alike, it also goaded people to share what they had in the way of warmth.

When the weather turned cold and lost heart, the people turned warm and gained it. Fingers intertwined, embraces shared freely, hearts grew fonder.

The holidays created a convenient break in the daily grind for a fortunate many, but for those leftover few, the only change was in the decorations of department store windows.

Mid-afternoon sunshine poured generously into the street, white light that was just warm enough to make the snow sparkle yet not make it melt. Some came out to admire the beautiful scene, but most were smart enough to carry out observation from within safe, heated buildings, with awed faces pressed up to the frosty windows.

With hands shoved deep into coat pockets, Tetsuya plowed his way through the snowdrifts that had once been the sidewalk, the soles of his boots bravely crunching down through the snow. He sniffled for what was probably around the five-hundredth time that afternoon, the frigid air burning his nose. As far as he was concerned, it was quite likely already blackened and ready to fall off any minute.

Perhaps the only upside to this situation was the fact that no one would be able to recognize him. With a thick scarf wrapped around the lower half of his face and sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose, unless the public was very familiar with the top of his head, there would be no chance of identifying him as Tetsuya. Though, he thought ruefully, if he didn't get to the studio soon, the majority of his frost-bitten face would freeze solid and fall off and he would have no such problem anymore!

It was very unusual for Tokyo to receive this much snow- it was perhaps four inches deep uniformly, drifting a bit higher than that, yet this fluffy layer of white was enough to bring the city grinding to a relative standstill. The temperature was unkindly cold, especially to those residents who were not used to it.

Considering the price he paid for that blasted vehicle, one would think it could start even in cold temperatures. But with the sudden drop that had occurred virtually overnight, it was simply too much for the poor car, top-of-the-line as it was. Fortunately, it wasn't too far of a walk to the studio. Though with the wind chill factor, it seemed like a rugged death march.

It was another working day- a couple hours' worth of practicing loomed ominously over the bassist's head, a dark cloud. Still there was always a million somethings to be done, a this and a that weighing down on his shoulders, carving heavy lines into his countenance. They never left until they were properly finished. They would sit on his chest expectantly as he tried to grasp a few precious hours of sleep, in the end left with only sweet minutes saturated with dreams.

Tetsuya blinked quickly, struck with the disconcerting notion that his eyelashes were laden with tiny icicles. He pulled down his scarf and blew a breath into cupped hands, thin gloves doing nothing to retain natural heat. This cold was _awful._ The sun must have taken a day off, deciding that it didn't feel like warming the earth that day.

That damned car!

Though he loved his job and felt very fortunate to be able to do what he most enjoyed, that day, he was feeling its ill effects more than its joys. He needed a vacation, and badly. Still he felt there was far too much left undone for him to abandon his post for some selfish self-indulgences. Besides, Hyde had taken the week off for some family time, since it was nearly his son's birthday. That was a legitimate excuse. What had Tetsuya? He hadn't slept well in a while, so he was tired and irritable. Hardly enough reason to allow himself some time off.

_I couldn't have gone. I have so much work to do... my job is my life right now. There's no time for things like_ that.

The bassist cursed quietly under his breath, through chattering teeth- and not because of the cold.

His response had been perfectly understandable. For years, work had been priority number one. That was simply who he, Tetsuya, was. There was nothing wrong with that. So, what he had said was fine. To be expected, in fact.

He threw a weary glance to his right, to the shop windows as he passed them by. They were filled with bold proclamations of sales on ideal gift items, etched in red and green, lined with silver tinsel. Pictures of happy families sitting together, delighted children opening packages containing the newest and most desirable toys, cute girls in Santa outfits posing next to anything from electronics to appliances... commercialized enough to be tiresome, yet, they retained some sort of plasticized charm.

Tetsuya paused for a brief moment beside one such advertisement. A girl in a red and white themed outfit, topped off by a Santa hat, was pictured posing with some jewelry. For some reason the image struck something in him, and he shivered a little more- and not because of the length, or lack thereof, of her skirt.

Not wishing to dwell on past events further, Tetsuya pulled his gaze away and set it upon the sidewalk before him, forcing his feet to navigate the frozen obstacle course created by last night's temperature drop. What is done is done, and he had made the right decision, he was sure.

_“...I can't. I'm sorry, but I have to work.”_

It was _always_ “I have to work”. Regrets for a party, cancellation of an appointment, forgetting a relative's birthday, additionally forgetting to send said relative a belated birthday present afterward... it was work, always work. He recognized, at least, that he focused heavily upon his job. That was the sort of life he chose to lead- and what was so wrong with that?

But he had never felt like he had _missed_ something before... not anything like this. It kept coming back to him- that feeling of nagging regret, encroaching upon his every thought. Never had he felt so _wrong._

That look of regret- and even _hurt_ \- that flooded her beautiful brown eyes... that alone told him what he had done was wrong. Yet at the time, he thought nothing of it. Priorities, he had to keep his priorities straight.

Maybe- maybe he could have still made it. If his car had decided to work, that is. He could have spared himself just a couple of hours, then gone to work straight afterward. How long could a movie last, anyways? Hour and a half to two hours? Could it hurt that much to skip work for a little while?

No. He had slipped into his habitual response, falling into the rut of the daily grind. This was what he wanted. This was what he had chosen for himself- a life devoted to work. This was the Tetsuya he had decided to be.

He stopped. With the crunching of his boots through the snow removed, the atmosphere seemed eerily quiet to him. It was a moment of clarity. He simply- stopped.

_What am I doing?_

All this time he had been repeating the same words to himself, telling himself what he wanted and what was right. There was no time to listen to what his heart was telling him, what it was crying so desperately for him to hear.

_Why am I here?_

Why did he continually push himself into that mold? When he had decided, ages ago, that his job was so important to him, did he also unconsciously decide to push everything- everyone- away?

This was not what he wanted.

Why did he continue to run about, so clearly defined yet so aimless, when all he wanted was--

_Not this. Not now._

He didn't want this anymore. He didn't want to try to continue what he had always done when everything had changed. It was impossible to even attempt to pour his heart into that when his heart wasn't his own to hold anymore, when someone else possessed it so fully and utterly.

There was only one thing he truly wanted, and it wasn't this.

The case on Tetsuya's phone felt frozen solid, slicing easily through his thin gloves to chill his unsuspecting fingertips. This did not deter him any longer. He had no regard for it, as much as it had been making him suffer moments before.

The frigid battery creaked to life, pouring energy into the phone. The screen lit up- too slowly. For it to load all functionality seemed to take an eternity.

An eternity- was that how long he had been deluding himself?

There was no need to scan through the address book. Tetsuya knew the number by heart, from all the times he had looked it up, ultimately hesitating too much to call it.

_I don't want to live this lonely life anymore._

Tetsuya pressed it to his ear, the dial tone filling his head. It felt as if he were forcibly shoving an icicle into his ear canal, but he grit his chattering teeth and persevered. This was too important.

A low, gravelly voice answered. His words did not register in the mind of the bassist, and Tetsuya's reply nearly cut him off in its fervent eagerness-

“May I speak to Sakai-san, please?”

“Just a moment.”

Just a moment.

Just a moment--

“Yes?”

Oh, how the relief coursed through his veins, warming him from the inside.

“Ayana--”

“Tetsu?”

Surprise rang out unexpectedly in her tone, and she cut the last syllable of his name short as if embarrassed by this impulsive reaction.

“S-sorry... what do you need?”

Tetsuya blinked rapidly, trying wildly to catch his breath and to vacate his frantic heart from his throat. After a couple of false starts, he finally managed out-

“The theater is still open, even with all the snow. The one o'clock showing still has tickets for sale. So if you haven't made other plans, if you'd like...”

_Please._

He swallowed hard. The weight of impending work, of unfinished projects and necessary practice had evaporated. There was nothing of that. There was only himself, Ayana, and that unfinished question. That same offer he had so foolishly declined not long before.

How could he have been so blind, all this time?

All this time, he had no such reason to question his values. All this time, work was everything, and there was nothing wrong with that. All this time, he had been lonely, missing someone, and he had never known.

Not until he had met her.

_The only thing I want in this world is--_

“...I could take you. I-if you're not busy working, of course!” The very reason he himself had cited before now tasted horribly bitter in his mouth. If she said the same, he knew it would be exactly what he deserved.

For three painful heartbeats, only a low hum emitted from the other end. His tongue flicked across frozen lips that were too fearful to part.

One... two...

She wasn't going to answer. She had hung up. She was still upset- as she had every right to be- over Tetsuya's declination. Of all the mistakes he had ever made, he was sure this would haunt him forever.

Three...

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing, until--

“Yes.”

Yes?

Yes!

“I'd love to! If you could pick me up from the studio...”

“Of course! I'll be there in ten.”

A cheerful giggle- a sound that completely melted the frozen bassist with its sweetness. “Great! See you then! Glad to hear you got off work for a change.”

Tetsuya opened his mouth to say something- though he did not know quite what- but a dial tone cut him off. He had ten minutes to sprint home, get the car- Damn! The car!- and traverse the white-tinged roads to get to the studio.

He was home in five.

_\--you._

With one turn of the key, the car started right up.


End file.
